She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize