I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
