As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
