you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
being pregnant is like rehab
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My feet surprised me
Randomize
