How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize