nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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