I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
