I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
