I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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