3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
