my phone needs a breathalizer
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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