I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
third nipple confirmed
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
