Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
