i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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