I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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