dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
is wine microwaveable?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
