So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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