I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
