you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
