I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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