I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
