I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
