Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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