The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
