Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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