i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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