I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The feeling are messing with the penis
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
