Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
