My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
