My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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