i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
