Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Text me some of your sweat
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
