Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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