i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
