glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
