You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
