Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
