My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
