My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
