I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
