is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
