Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
