He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
