i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
