my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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