Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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