Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
