woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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