My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize