That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
