Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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