I heard we made out
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
