Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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