so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
