I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you traded sex for a burrito?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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