who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
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