dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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