So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
