Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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