I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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