I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
