On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
