addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
