How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize