i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize