I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
