The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
