Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
