they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
