the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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